The Ferris Beuller Effect
by Jaxson The Great
Summary: Part friendship fic, part written tour of downtown Denver! Could this author BE more amazing!


Dipper's earliest memory of being a third wheel was when he and Mabel had been going into the first grade. That fall, their mother had taken them shopping for new school clothes. It had been a treat for Mabel and a chore for Dipper, and he had ended up trailing behind, reluctantly trying on this and that, watching passively as Mabel insisted on wearing only the pinkest and the glitteriest and the light-up-iest clothes the mall had to offer.

Then it was on his birthday, when he was turning seven or eight. Mabel had invited all of her friends to the party, and Dipper had been told he could, as well, but the only friend he could think of besides Mabel was the school janitor, Mr. Crockenberg, and so he had, once again, existed in Mabel's shadow, letting her blow out the candles on the cake, letting her open her presents first, letting her friends push past him on their way to the pinata, and never once complaining when Mabel got three pony coloring books with glow-in-the-dark crayons, and he got the first four books in the Sibling Brothers' series. He sometimes wondered if the fact that he was into that sort of thing was a direct result of that day.

After that, he just got used to it. Mabel was very popular, Dipper was not. It was logical, really, that she would have more friends than he. It was also logical that, since she had so many friends, she always had somewhere to be, and, more logic, since he had the opposite, it only made sense that he should be the one to take her and her friends those places, since he was the one with the car.

Dipper was pondering this, the logistics of his and Mabel's relationship, one foggy, grey morning as a sweaty, unkempt, panting Mabel dove headfirst into his car-a beat-up, dark blue Jeep-and told him she needed to be at the art museum in five seconds, and to step on it. She told him this as she pulled dead leaves out from underneath her, as the Jeep had no top and the weather was getting wintery-er by the day.

Not one to complain where no complaint was warranted (logically, there was no reason for him to refuse), Dipper obligingly tugged off his headphones, shoved his book into the glove box alongside a stack of others, and pulled out of the spot where he had been parked in the lot of a dance studio, where Mabel practiced an entire dictionary's worth of dances every other Thursday at nine. That day had been ballet, he assumed, as, in his peripherals, he watched her peel off her legwarmers, shimmy out of a tutu, and yank her hair out of the bun she had forced it into.

Dipper remained quiet for the duration of the drive. He was only partially listening to his sister as she changed clothes and chattered on and on about some guy named Spencer who was always stealing her limelight when she was practicing even if he was _supposed _to be practicing lifts since she was a lot heavier than she looked and he should be _practicing _since the big show was in one month but all he ever did was practice leaps which he was already good at and last week he accidentally kicked a girl in the face and she was _supposed_ to be one of the main dancers but she couldn't with a fat lip and everyone thought Spencer had done it on _purpose _which was just terrible really but when Mabel thought about it she wouldn't put it past him to do something that underhanded, Mabel thought he had really gone down a dark path after she broke up with him, Mabel wondered if he was still pining for her, Mabel wondered if he maybe didn't want to do lifts with her because he was still upset about the breakup, Mabel wondered if she was talking too much?

Her question hung in the air for a moment, until Dipper realized she had asked a question. "Uh, no?" he said, guessing at the correct response. She resumed talking, then, and he resumed thinking. He was thinking about the fastest way to get downtown, and whether or not to put some more of the WHAT IS THE MYSTERY SHACK? bumper stickers Stan sent for every occasion on his jeep, and when 3-D-REAM's new album would come out, and the fact that Mabel was still close friends with Grenda, after all that time, even after Candy had fallen in with the wrong crowd and had been added to Mabel's list of people she never wanted to see again. If Dipper remembered correctly, Candy's was the only female name on the entire list.

The thoughts about Grenda weren't random. It was their destination that had brought her to mind; she had been living in Gravity Falls until recently, around the time Candy went bad. Since Candy and Grenda had been friends since they were in preschool, Grenda had decided to move somewhere that didn't have so many sour memories. She was on her way to Florida, but had stopped for a few days in Colorado to visit Mabel, thus, Mabel was now on her way to the museum to meet up with her.

Parking was always a tricky thing in downtown Denver, always a matter of finding the cheapest lot or the closest meter. Because Dipper liked to think of himself as the best brother in the world (if not the most desirable), he dropped Mabel off outside the museum before hunting for a parking spot. With a quick "Thanks, bro!" and a hastily blown kiss, Mabel slipped from his Jeep, leaving her gym bag full of sweaty ballet clothes behind, and dashed for the double doors of the museum. She had changed into a green sweater-dress with a pink hat and brown and white leggings; she sort of looked like a runaway garden.

On a hunch, Dipper peeked inside her bag. Sure enough, hidden under a wad of tulle, her wallet peeked back at him, the Chococat logo leering at him with its huge cross-eyed stare. Dipper sighed before heading around the block. He would have to hurry, before Mabel realized she had left her money and came back out to find him.

Luckily, the people who had planned the city, however many years ago, had anticipated times such as this. Just across the street, Dipper found a lot that only charged $15. He paid, parked, got out, grabbed the wallet, stowed the bag under the seat, and was halfway across the street before he saw Mabel burst from the doors, pivoting frantically as she searched for his blue Jeep. He had halved the distance between them before she spotted him, and he had stuffed the wallet into her waiting hands before she could open her mouth to tell him what the matter was. She stared at the Chococat illustration for a moment, bewildered, then grinned at him and fistbumped his forehead.

"You know what they say about great minds," she said, tucking her arm under his like he was escorting her to a dance, and he awkwardly stuffed his hands in his pockets, saying, "Yeah, well, we both know I'm the greater of the two minds," and together they headed inside.

Grenda was just inside, in the gift shop section of the lobby, and at first Dipper didn't recognize her. He might not have at all if it weren't for Mabel, who shrieked Grenda's name at the sight of her, and the two friends ran into each other's arms, screaming happily.

The first thing Dipper noticed was that Grenda had grown out her hair. She had always kept it up in a ponytail, loose strands pinned back, but now he saw that she had let it down from its confines, and it was cut into a bob. It was still pinned aside, but not as insistently. She was also a lot taller than he remembered, and even a little bit more shapely. She was still on the large side, and her voice was still exactly like he remembered it, but she was wearing a purple dress that hugged her in all the right places and none of the wrong ones, and Dipper thought she must have a boyfriend by now, she had changed a lot since he last saw her, it was completely logical for him to find her attractive, he had no reason to feel guilty about it, it was only natural, Mabel couldn't blame him for it, why was he talking to himself, oh my god Dipper shut up.

While Dipper stood in the background, trying to reason with himself, Mabel and Grenda were ecstatic to see each other again. Of course, they had been keeping in touch since the one summer they had spent together, but so much had changed since then, and yet it was as if they had never said goodbye. They immediately launched into conversation, Mabel listing all the boyfriends she had had in the past few months, Grenda reciting lines from the short story she had written that had been featured in the _Gossiper_, Mabel talking about all the greatest places to see in Colorado, Grenda ranting about all the things she had already seen on her trip, Mabel laughing about the great memories they shared, Grenda exclaiming over Mabel's tan, Mabel's hair, Mabel's clothes, Mabel's teeth, Mabel's earrings, Mabel's shoes, and, lastly, Mabel's brother.

"Oh my gosh, you've gotten _cute!" _she squealed, pinching Dipper's cheek the moment he came near. "Mabel, why didn't you ever tell me your little brother wasn't little anymore?"

"Uh," Dipper glanced around at the other museumgoers, who were staring. "I'm not actually... we're the same-"

"Oh, Grenda, I didn't want you to think I thought you were desperate," Mabel said, eyeing Dipper. "But I guess, from a different perspective, he is kinda..."

"Okay, I'm just gonna go, you girls have fun or whatever," Dipper said, absconding quickly before the situation became any more awkward. But the girls were at his side in a moment, Grenda saying, "Actually, there are a lot of kids here today. Maybe we should go somewhere else."

'Somewhere else' must have been code for 'everywhere', because the three of them did, indeed, end up going just about everywhere. First they tried on enormous hats in the Molly Brown house gift shop, then they took a tour of the governor's mansion, where there were lots of ladies dressed up in period clothing, acting out tea parties. After that Mabel dragged them down to the 16th street mall, where they visited Rocket Fizz, the greatest candy shop in the world, the way Mabel told it. They also went to the clock tower, and the library, and Obento, where they bought bubble teas, and just when Dipper thought there couldn't possibly be a single thing more Mabel wanted Grenda to experience, she dragged them all down to Larimer Square, and into the Market, and insisted they have lunch there.

"It's not as exciting here as it is in, say, Boulder," Mabel admitted as she led them to a small table in the back. Mabel perched perkily on her chair, looking fresh as a daisy, but Dipper found he barely had the energy to sit up. How was Mabel not completely wiped; she had been dancing her heart out only a few hours ago!

"You okay, there, bro?" Mabel laughed, noticing his exhausted state. "Can I get you anything? A walker? A seeing-eye dog? Life Alert?"

"Very funny," Dipper said, composing himself. "Aging prematurely is just the burden of the Alpha Twin, I guess."

Mabel pouted at that. "_Who's _the Alpha Twin!?"

Dipper flicked her nose. "Definitely not _you_."

Mabel tore off her pink hat and flopped some of her hair over her face, crossing her eyes. "I'm Dipper! Git offa my yard, ye varmints! I've fallen and I can't get up!"

Laughing, Dipper tossed his own hat to her, then slapped her abandoned one atop his head. "I'm Mabel and I want to be a Care Bear when I grow up! I think Peter Pan is keen!"

Dipper had almost forgotten Grenda was there, but it was easy to remember when she was laughing in his ear.

"You guys haven't changed a bit!" she laughed, holding her side. "Have we gone back in time? Are you two still twelve?"

Mabel giggled sheepishly, fixing her hair. "Yeah, I know, we can be pretty immature sometimes. But, hey, the public loves us."

They all glanced around; half the customers in sight were staring at them, and the other half was laughing. Mabel blew some kisses to minor applause, then made to get up.

"All this comic relief is making me have to pee," she said, snatching her hat from her brother's head, then disappearing around the corner, leaving Dipper and Grenda alone.

Only a few seconds of silence passed, during which Dipper carefully adjusted his hat, before Grenda turned to him, her face now completely serious.

"Dipper," she said, eyeing him in a way that made him uneasy. "Do you think I'm dateable?"

This was so unexpected, Dipper choked on his spit. Attempting to pass the sudden asphyxiation off as a cool clearing of the throat, he said, "Um?" as maturely as he could.

"I knew it," she sighed, visibly drooping. "I've been reading magazines and stuff, trying to figure out how to get 'it', but whatever 'it' is, I guess I'll never have 'it'."

"Uh, 'it'?" Dipper folded and unfolded his arms, desperate for Mabel to come back. He tried to remember the last time he and Grenda had ever talked about anything, but he was pretty sure the most she had ever said to him before was one time when she asked him if she looked better in grey or beige.

"You know, 'it'," she said. "That thing Mabel has. Like, she's so cool, and she always looks good no matter what she wears, and she always gets any boy she wants, and she can sing and dance and act and sew, and I'm just... Grenda."

Dipper sighed. "Yeah, I know what you mean. But Mabel is, you know, Mabel. That stuff just comes naturally for her. I'm sure you're good at... other... things?"

At this, she twisted a lock of hair around one of her fingers, a gesture that would have been cute if she hadn't looked so downcast. "I dunno, I'm used to doing whatever Candy wants to do, and she's good at all kinds of stuff. She even made this dress for me, before she went... well, you know. She said purple was a good color for me. But even if she was right, I'm not pretty. I'm all... huge. And I tried to get my hair to look like the magazine models, but the hairdresser even said I don't have the right quality, whatever _that _means, and I try to be graceful and charming and funny and alluring and it always just _flops, _but Mabel, she's amazing, you know, like she can do whatever she feels like doing, and everything will work out perfectly. I don't really want to be like her, do all the things she does, but, I mean, it would be nice if I could just get, like, a boyfriend, or something."

This hit Dipper harder than he expected it to. The things Grenda was saying were all things _he _had felt, at one point or another. How long had he been looking up to Mabel? How long had he been waiting to have epic adventures like she did? How long had he been busting his ass just to get _half _the attention she got?

This all was starting to sound very familiar...

"Hey," he said, "Have you ever seen _Ferris Beuller's Day Off_?"

"Isn't that the one where the three kids skip school and have a parade, or something?" Grenda asked, looking at her hands.

"Yeah, see, Mabel is like that," Dipper said, suddenly feeling a new surge of energy. All the pieces were starting to fit together. "Mabel is like Ferris Beuller, and we're like his friends. See, in the movie, Ferris gets whatever he wants, and he always knows exactly what to do in every situation, right? Kind of like James Bond."

"Yeah," Grenda said, looking up. "He's amazing! The part where he gets them into the fancy restaurant is my favorite. But his sister hates him because he's so great."

"Exactly," Dipper said, leaning forward, voice lowered. "Jeannie hates him because he gets what he wants and she doesn't. But in the end, she meets that drug addict guy and learns she can have everything, too, if she stops obsessing over him so much. And that's what _we _need to do."

"Make out with Charlie Sheen in a police station?" Grenda joked. "Just what I always wanted!"

"No, okay, I suck at analogies, but..." Dipper racked his brain, "us two, we're like a BLT, okay? We have all the stuff you need to make a good BLT. And Mabel, she's like... she's like the mayo. Like, a BLT is pretty good all on its own, and it's even better with mayo, right? But you don't _need _mayo to make a perfectly good BLT... right?"

Grenda nodded, squinting. "You're right," she said after a moment, "you _do _suck at analogies."

"But you get what I'm saying?" Dipper hoped she did, because he had managed to confuse himself and wasn't sure he could explain it again.

"Yeah, yeah, I get you," Grenda sighed. "So basically I just need to be myself and don't worry about what other people think of me. Great advice, Dr. Phil. Never heard that one before."

Dipper sighed, mentally adding 'giving good advice' to the list of things he couldn't do as well as his sister. Then he mentally kicked himself for not following his own advice, even if it wasn't very helpful.

Just then, Mabel appeared, bearing several trays.

"Sorry I took so long, dahlings," she said, winking towards Grenda as she set her offerings on the table. "The lines here are slow, but _so _worth it. Look! Blintzes!"

She sat down, but not before feigning a heart attack, then a very dramatic pressing of an imaginary Life Alert button, then a teary revival in the arms of an invisible, presumably handsome paramedic.

Grenda was nearly in tears, she was laughing so hard.

When at last both girls had calmed down, and most of the people around them had stopped staring, Dipper said, "Grenda and I were just talking about Ferris Beuller."

"Oh, him!" Mabel grinned around a mouthful of lemon blintz. "I like the part where Cameron decides to stand up for himself the best. I always knew he could do it!"

Grenda and Dipper smiled at each other.


End file.
